Six Phases to Process Your Breakup

It’s Sarah- checking in. So it’s been over a year and a half since my last relationship. I wanted to write this for myself and also for the community that has been witnessing my growth from the beginning, if you’re on our mailer you’ll remember the “ugly cry” email last year. So I thought for whoever is going through a big change, maybe this mini-update/guide might help you get through your storm.

Phase 1: Going Inward

After the breakup, I just got really quiet and stayed away from anything that would remotely place me in a memory mode. I didn’t go to the places we used to go to, I didn’t bump into any of his family members and I managed to keep to myself. It really helped that the world was in lockdown. Even better! (They say, the Universe has your back!)

Even though the breakup wasn’t traumatising, the pain that came afterwards was new and it was beyond anything I ever expected. Through the work of Supparetreat, I learnt so much about attracting from my egoic wounds, inner child wounds and reacting instead of responding. Now that I had the words/terms/tools to all of this I was able to ascertain layer by layer what I had been doing to myself all these years. I was able to recognise patterns and notice all of the similarities my ex had with some of my past partners – it wasn’t so much of what they did, but how I felt in those relationships. 

Phase 2: Hyper-Awareness

For the longest time I was unabashedly masculine in the way I did things, practical, logical, doer vs feeler, and always focused on the end result. I preface this because I my triggers would usually be on the aggressive side, if I witnessed injustice or needed to protect others, I would always be ready in fight mode. However, I saw a couple shows and I found myself being triggered and reliving my trauma. For example: Paris Hilton’s Youtube Documentary , Netflix Bling Empire’s toxic relationship with Kelly and Andrew, and more recently Maid on Netflix. Gosh, being on the other side of the coin gave me more compassion for myself and I felt proud that I was able to release some of my pain and not try to suppress any of it. I moved towards more feminine energy, to yield, to surrender and just notice and observe. If there were feelings that would pass, I would just let it.

Phase 3: Cultivating Self-Love

You can imagine how depleting it is to unearth wounds and pain all the friggin time. My old habit would have been to find something/someone to fill that void. I knew seeking external validation would take me down the same rabbit hole and this time I would put a stop to it. Every time I wanted to find love elsewhere, I’d ask myself, how can I give myself what I’m looking for? I developed at 10-day Self-Love Journaling Experience for me and anyone else that wanted to join. I really thought about self-worth and dealt with some core woundings which made me stay in these relationships longer than needed. I walked out of this phase feeling so free/so empowered to be in charge and not play victim to circumstance.

Phase 4:  Thirst for Knowledge

I’ve never had an aversion to reading but all this alone time meant that I wanted to have a better understanding of things so I started reading more, books that gave me a different perspective, books that enhanced my knowledge, books that validated my experience. Oh and podcasts too – I listened to so many because listening to others work through their stuff allowed me to work on my stuff. This new thirst for knowledge also helped me gain perspective. I didn’t rush and I’d be more intentional with my time, I wanted to be more aligned with who I was and who I wanted to be. It’s funny too, I stopped blaming people for things that happened. I could sit with the uncomfortable and acknowledge the not so nice parts of me I was hiding from others. This wisdom helped me look through a different lens, and to stop taking things personally. The more I knew, the less I shamed myself for not knowing.

For anyone with a strict mom and an almost non-existent dad, this podcast I stumbled on opened a whole new perspective without realising how much it would heal my inner child:

Phase 5: Finding Peace

I didn’t expect this post-recovery breakup to be so damn long, but healing has no time limit and Malaysia’s multiple lockdowns gave me a lot of perspective and growth. I found so much clarity in this period and was able to give myself time to grieve. I was really happy to be in a space where I could make decisions more consciously and step away if something no longer served me. I wasn’t trying to participate in any drama cycle with anyone. I didn’t owe them anything and neither did they. When giving comes from a place of love, it’s also not calculative so if I was in a giving mode, I’d ask myself what I wanted in return – cuz if I did, then I knew where it was coming from. I had a few men who were keen to connect but it didn’t feel right and I didn’t care to waste their time or mine. If it wasn’t meant to be, I know the Universe (or God Almighty) would find a way. I’ve come out of this phase stronger than ever before. I’m not angry or resentful or bitter, I think the harder the fall, the more strength you need to pull yourself up.

Phase 6: Vibrational Match

As cliche as it sounds, it does get better with time, but its what you do with your time that makes it better. Sometimes we just want to hear sweet words and have our friends yell expletives at our bad choices and absolving us of blame, but the quicker you acknowledge and accept your part in a relationship, the more awareness you bring to yourself to work on it. But when you’re deep in your pain, you can’t see anything past the dark cloud. So I get it.

The cloud shifted, the sun is pouring in and I’m basking in it. It doesn’t mean it won’t rain again, but it does mean that I know how to handle myself when it does. I truly believe that what you’re looking for in the world will find you and that the law of attraction does exist. However, you need to be in the right vibrational match, and it’s tough when you’re in pain. We need to be in the right alignment. I had a conversation with a friend over the weekend and I told her that the relationship I had was toxic for me, but it may not for another person, and that’s what happens when you’re no longer aligned.

Here’s to better days and surviving heartbreak! What’s meant for you will come your way and when you get past this upward hill, there’s a huge valley of happiness waiting for you to steep in for a little while. That’s my wish and blessing to all of you. We’ll all get to where we need to be.